This statement of incredible brilliance comes from the new Gerri Atrik Retirement Community Online Employee Training Manual. You will wonder how you ever lived without this incredible knowledge which is incredible.
This fellow is jealous because the women always get better leis than he does.
Flower power “On one of our first dates, my boyfriend Chris took me to a luau-themed party. When he came to pick me up, my son Adam answered the door, after which Chris presented me with an orchid flower lei. Adam, who was about seven years old then, said, “Wow, Mommy, that was nice of that man to give you such a good lei!’ It took a lot of control to not burst out laughing!” – Cherie, 35, St. Simon’s Island, SC
While watching some other show (I'm not sure if I actually WATCH too much TV or if I just always have it on in the background while working on other stuff) they keep advertising "Kimora Lee Simmons, Life in the Fab Lane" on the Style channel. Ok, first off, can you picture a frumpy middle-aged fat woman whose preferred mode of dress is scrubs (work) or sweats/track suits and sweatshirts or t-shirts watching the Style Channel? Obviously I could really give two farts in a category 5 hurricane about style. Second, could you see me giving two farts in a category 5 hurricane about hanging around with THAT kind of person, who is so wrapped up in appearances--and themselves--that they actually say things like "it's not always about me. Of course it should be." Granted, I do by my own admission watch trash "reality" shows such as The Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, but that's a train wreck. They become inspiration for my own stress-relief comedy writing where I create shows featuring characters like Axe Man, Arsewipe the Ghoul, Zack Crackajack and Lord Iffy Boatrace the Transvestite. Lord Iffy isn't actually my character. I borrowed him from Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden's lead singer. I do have "Kimora Lee Simmons" type characters too, believe it or not. There's Ivanna B. Ilona, Janice D'Ackinson, and the borrowed Quinn Morgendorffer, Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Sandi Griffin. Strangely, I make fun of them. Can you imagine that? After all, aren't all women supposed to be born with an empty space between our ears that we fill with images of the latest fashions?
First of all, I find it amusing that Comedy Central is the channel that seems to play the most Girls Gone Wild ads. Sooo....people that like stand-up comedians and South Park are the same set that are most likely to be into drunk chicks of loose virtue?? I really don't see the connection, except for the fact that these ads are really pretty funny sometimes. Especially this most recent one. Girls Gone Wild: Finally 18. One of the first drunk chicks of loose virtue, sounding like her IQ is about the same as her shoe size, murmurs (drunkenly) provocatively "I'm finally 18!" as she proceeds to pull up her shirt and reveal her gazongas, over which appear a couple of strategically placed star bursts. I don't know about the rest of you gals, but when I thought about turning 18, going out and acting like a cheap slut, flashing people, and making out with other chicks was not the first thing that came to my mind. If I were a lesbian, the making out with other chicks part probably would have figured into things somehow. But that's beside the point. I don't think that being an amateur porn star ever figured into my thoughts. I was thinking stuff like "hell yeah, I finally get to move out of my parents' house and I can buy my own beer!" Back in the day you could buy 3.2 beer when you were 18. If you're an old fart like me, you remember this. I was 18 when I met my ex husband. I moved in with him when I was 19. I had a kid by the time I was 25. I used to hang moons a lot, but at least I know that there's no way that if my son and his friends are ever watching some cheesy porn tape that the poor lad will ever suddenly be shocked with the realization that "Oh hells bells, that's my mom acting like a cheap drunk slut, flashing everybody and making out with other chicks for the benefit of all the cheap drunk slut guys!" Talk about needing a lifetime of therapy. I kind of doubt the Girls Gone Wild chicks have thought ahead to the fact that one day they won't be "finally 18," they'll be "oh hell, I'm 38." And the likelihood is, they won't want their kids to ever know what they did. I used to pose for art classes, so it's not that I'm a prude about nudity. But I think that my son would be far less scarred by seeing his mom's naked ass immortalized on canvas a la Reubens or Van Gough than immortalized on a cheesy porn tape a la Girls Gone Wild. Sometimes when drunk and stupid, people just don't think ahead. But at least the resulting ads are pretty funny.
One of those semi-unhealthy food that we like are Quick Taters, which are a Schwans tater tots knockoff. They bake nicely in the oven so you can avoid the grease sponge affect of deep frying them. My son likes a few with fish sticks. In fact lately he has been living on tater tots and fish sticks. We do have other options, this is just what he wants. For a change, I also bought some cheesy Quick Taters, which is basically a fat tater tot with cheese in the middle. I made these last night with the fish sticks. Son was not impressed. He took one bite and told me I could have them. Today when coming home from school I asked what he wanted to eat. No surprise when he said fish sticks. And, he said, "some real, decent, good-tasting, God-fearing Tater tots." Which leads me to the belief that cheesy tater tots must be Satanic tater tots. They're all right for fast food type stuff. But if Satan really wants to tempt me, he best be serving devils food cake.
For some reason I started watching "Disorderly Conduct" on the Spike channel, which is one of those "Cop Chases" type shows. Damn, there sure are a lot of dangerous idiots out there, and alcohol is involved more often than not. One of my EMS instructors always said that "accidents" should be called "stupids" because 98% of accidents are due to stupid behavior and then there are the 2% of innocent victims who are in the wrong place at the wrong time when the stupid behavior occurs.
I'm actually glad it will be down to 44 (Fahrenheit) tomorrow. It is 78 today. I had to turn on the swamp cooler. Too hot and I start getting (more) lethargic. Which you can tell by this boring non-post.
A View of Wolf Creek Pass from the Highway From Hell
Well, we made it and the bad weather on the northern part of 285 was less scary than Brown Pants Pass (aka Wolf Creek Pass) where the weather had hit and moved on already. There are parts of this mess where most rigs are limited to 25 MPH and the really big rigs are limited to 10. I think I left gouges in the car seat where I was white-knuckling for all I was worth. Ex husband and I will drive son up here again in August for school, but he'll be flying home in the winter because I'm pretty sure the only people who drive Wolf Creek Pass then have "I Want To Be A Splat At The Bottom Of A Cliff" tattooed somewhere on their body.
The ex husband used to drive trucks for the Denver Post on 285 in bad weather so I have to admire his skills there. I was glad I had my friends Kava and Rescue Remedy with me--the homeopathic answer to abject terror and panic disorder.
Panic Disorder keeps telling me its a cool thing to have in my life. I'm highly inclined to disagree. Panic disorder is one of those "friends" that thinks its cool to scare the hell out of you by jumping out of a dark closet wearing a ski mask and carrying a fake Uzi. I think it may be time to ask Panic Disorder to return the CD's I loaned it. Now it is time for Cheesemeister Theatre. We have four films about Wolf Creek Pass for your viewing pleasure.
Here are some crazy bastards:
Here it is in better weather. This one doesn't really show how scary the grade is, especially when it's wet.
In fast motion. Gives a little better idea of the slope and the curves.
The Cheesemeister hates to disappoint her billions and billions of fans--so sorry, little people--but as she is leaving for the Western slope on Thursday morning (and running around like a chicken with its head cut off on Wednesday) even though she is taking her computer with her you may not hear from her again till Monday when she returns. Yes, I know, you can barely stand the thought that there will be none of my scintillating words of wisdom.
In the meantime, visit the Vault of Tuneage, where you can hear some good songs.
In other shit news, my fucking wages are being garnished for an old medical bill that I hadn't been able to pay. Shit, fuck, damn, piss, hell, motherfucker!!!!!
That oughta about cover it. I keep trying not to file for bankruptcy, but sometimes I just don't know.
Here's a thrash metal band called Tankard performing "I Need Money For Beer." Several of their songs are about beer, including "Die With A Beer In Your Hand" and "Space Beer." I think they might like beer. Which is probably why they named the band Tankard.
When the school bus driver fueled the bus and went inside the convenience store, the bus started to roll. One young man had the presence of mind to get behind the wheel and try to pull the emergency brake. The brake failed. The boy steered the bus down a dead-end street into an industrial area and ended up crashing it into a concrete pillar on the bridge for I-90. Although there were injuries, all of them were minor. Had the bus not stopped at that point it probably would have continued gaining speed with tragic results.
Our young hero is 11 years old. Good work and good thinking on his part! Not so much on the driver's part. Apparently a bus driver is never supposed to leave the bus unattended nor stop to get fuel when there are passengers. Maybe he really had to go to the bathroom and the getting fuel seemed like a good excuse? He was in the bathroom when the bus started rolling.
For anyone-using Internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on:
This information arrived this morning, Direct from both Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who has access to the Internet.
You may receive an apparently harmless e-mail titled 'Mail Server Report'
If you open either file, a message will appear on your screen saying: 'It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful.'
Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC, And the person who sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password.
This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the anti virus software are not capable of destroying it.
The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself 'life owner'.
PLEASE SEND A COPY OF THIS E-MAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, and ask them to PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY!
THIS HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY SNOPES. See Snopes link below....
Please visit our affiliate marketing blog, Kill My Job and Casino Affiliate site, Payout Palace and its partner blog, also named Payout Palace. You might find a way to promote your own site or blog, make a few extra bucks, or have fun losing a few extra bucks in one of the casinos! ;-) Not too many though, please. I wouldn't want you to be mad at me!
A link to this site, which sells products for events in which there are mass casualties, came up on the Adsense on Stuffed Animal Planet, which is a humor site. I suppose this may be a form of cosmic black humor.
I can no longer keep up with all the blogs I made. You may notice that this one is pretty well a repository for microblog posts these days. Yeah, that's pretty well dullsville unless you are also microblogging. If you actually want to interact with me, go to Lost Beneath the Surface, or if you prefer some wacky humor with your interaction go to the Universal-Netherworld Disclosure-Exposure Administration. Or you can find me on Crackbook or on Twitter. Or you can read my weekly mini-zine if you are so moved. Of course you are welcome to comment here and I will publish your comment and respond in one way or another, either here or at your very own blog. Unless you are a troll, in which case I will simply hope that you stay out after the sun comes up and are turned to stone. Which is still better than what you deserve.
Be sure to check out the sidebar and footer of the page. There are cool things to check out--some of them might even make you some $$!
Link List
The Cheesemeister/Lily Strange is a very busy and/or very lazy entity and can't be bothered to maintain a link list on each blog. For a list of links that interest her, go to the Bizarre Bazaar. On the positive side, you get to read a review of each item on the link list to see if you might enjoy it too!
Who Is Responsible For This???
Someone who is way too creative for their own good in a world that shuns that which does not conform. I am a square peg in a round hole, a mostly harmless expression of chaos in a world that bows to the status quo and craves order. I'm part frustrated comedian forced into a normal job, part frustrated horror novelist (reflected in my Lily Strange persona) part frustrated entrepreneur (reflected in my Jobkiller and Survey Slug personas,) part frustrated gambler (the Payout Polly persona,) and part author wannabe trying to eke out a little extra money for their craft selling porn on the side (the Master Bates and Porn Baboon personas.)
Lily Strange (who is 100% strange) wrote this book with the help of a 100% real, actual ghost. He's 100% strange too. 50% of the proceeds of this 100% strange book written by 200% worth of strange individuals, will be donated to the World Federation for Mental Health. We have started a Million Dollar Drive for this amazing organization. Please help us donate! Tell your strangest friends to buy a copy because they'll probably like it. And tell your normal type friends to buy a copy because they need a Strangeness Injection! And then together we can rule the world! Or at least make a little bit of a difference in it.
